Jeremy Leaves The Party
by sleepwell
Summary: Elena's birthday party. Jeremy is not having a good time. Until someone rather unexpected comes along...Slash
1. Jeremy Gets High

He was freaking out, every day becoming more surreal. It wasn't right, he was alone with his secret. _She_ was busy, busy grieving and searching. He got it. But that left him with no one.

Except vampire ghosts. Anna _and_ Vicki. WTF? How was that fair? All the others in Mystic Falls either had supernatural powers or were in relationships with those who did. Except him. He was haunted. Figuratively and literally. By not one, but _two_, ghost vampires. It sucked.

And this party sucked. The pretentiously large house was filled to capacity with people he didn't know and didn't want to know. Forced to put on a false smile and 'mingle'. All for the sake of making her feel better.

And to make things worse? Music that blew big time. Caroline sure knew how to wreck an opportunity. Elena wasn't going to thank her for this overblown affair. And it wasn't going to make her forget _him_, not even for a moment.

He had decided to hide out in the den. Drawing in another breath of the pungent smoke, he held it. Exhaled slowly, watched the grey tendrils drift away. Laughed to himself as he studied the reefer in his hand. An actual joint. It was so …retro. But he'd given away all his bongs, pipes, and other drug paraphernalia a while back. When he'd stopped partying. In hindsight, that seemed like a huge mistake.

Being high definitely had its advantages. He felt the veil of calm descend. Finally. Sat on the couch, listening to the party sounds. His sense of isolation grew.

He left his body sitting there and floated to the ceiling. Drifted for a while, gazing down at his lengthy frame slouched on the uncomfortable couch. Christ, he looked as pathetic as he felt.

Matt entered the room and he re-entered his body with a lurch.

"Sorry, dude. Didn't mean to startle you. You missed the cake-cutting extravaganza. Speeches by Caroline, champagne, singing. Elena was wondering where you were. She sent me to look for you."

"Whatever. She's pissed at me for smoking. I'm sure she'll get over my absence from the main event. This party blows." He passed the joint to Matt, who took it from him gingerly. The blonde teen inhaled, held the smoke for a short time before coughing ferociously.

He laughed as the older boy hacked up a lung, it somehow struck him as hilarious that Matt was _so_ not a pot head. "Here" he exclaimed, "Give me that, you poser. I'll give you a blowback."

He leaned in towards Matt, supporting himself by placing his hand on the muscular shoulder. Found himself staring into steady blue eyes. He paused, he had never been this physically close to the older boy. Somehow he found Matt's presence comforting, calming. The party noise that only moments ago had been loud and jangly, faded.

He exhaled slowly and steadily, the joint held gently in his lips only inches away from the other boy's partially opened mouth. Matt carefully drew in the smoke being blown towards him. Their eyes locked and held. He could see the flecks of colour in the other boy's eyes, blue-grey tinged with brown. He stared into pupils that were dilating, pulsing. Somehow he found this process fascinating, hypnotic even.

He didn't realize he was no longer exhaling. He couldn't move, let alone stop staring into those fucking fantastic eyes.

"Shit Jer" Matt exclaimed, shoving him backwards, "You're going to burn your lips."

Just in time, he drew the roach from his mouth and waved it, holding it tightly in his fingertips until the ember faded and went out.

He sat there for a minute, still gazing at the blonde boy, who returned his look, puzzled. "Are you OK, dude?" Matt asked.

Slowly, he pushed himself off the couch. Made to leave.

"Whoa. I think I'd better see you home. You are totally fucked up. How much of that shit did you smoke before I came in?" Matt stood up as well and approached him from behind.

He suddenly realized that he was, indeed, wrecked. It had been awhile since he'd gotten high and he guessed he wasn't used to the stuff anymore. He leaned back into Matt, welcoming the support of the shorter, solid male.

Laughed again. It seemed funny that Matt was rescuing him. He wished that Vicki's brother could somehow end his misery by making 'her' disappear for good. Then maybe he wouldn't need to seek peace of mind through smoking weed. Although, right now, he was glad for the numbness, the absence of pain and fear.

Matt placed an arm around him, pulled him in reassuringly against his side. "It's OK, buddy. I've got you. Let's go find my truck."

* * *

Well, he'd tried. He had managed to utter the words. That made him crazy, a fucked up loser. He'd told Matt that he kept seeing Vicki. Matt didn't really get it. He had tried to sympathize, admitted that he saw his sister everywhere too. But that wasn't what he had meant. So he'd dropped it.

Slowly, wearily, he began to climb the stairs. Heard the knock at the front door. It was Matt, the ice cream container still clenched in his hand, soggy.

"I don't think I can walk home." The older boy grinned wryly. "Would you mind if I stayed here tonight? I promise I'll leave bright and early."

He laughed, "Dude, I knew you were wasted. Booze and pot isn't a good combo for you athletic types." He stood aside to let Matt in. "But you're sleeping with me. Ric hangs out on the couch these days."

And then they were in his room. It was strange. Matt had never been in here, even when he had dated Elena. Not that he wouldn't have been welcome, it had just never happened. Thinking back, he realized how different he and the other boy were.

Matt was confident, together. He, on the other hand_,_ was a mess, a fuck up. He had thought things were changing, that he was finally getting his shit together. But lately, this crap with Vicki and Anna was weighing on him, pulling him down.

He watched as Matt walked around his room picking up random items, reading book and CD titles, peering out the window. The quiet feeling that had begun with Matt's presence back at the boarding house was still with him. It could have been the weed but he thought maybe it was Matt's company.

Matt turned and caught his gaze. "Hey" he said softly, "This feels kinda weird. I haven't been upstairs in your house since your parents….." his voice trailed off. Matt pulled a face. "Sorry, man. I didn't mean to…"

"It's OK" he spoke softly, taking a step towards the contrite looking teen. "I can talk about them now. I really wish they were around though. I could use someone to talk to."

"What about Elena? And Ric? Can't you talk to them?" Matt sat down on the bed. Flopped onto his back. Reached out a hand. He took it and Matt pulled him abruptly, causing him to fall onto the mattress. He landed almost on top of the other male.

He rolled onto his back and they both lay silently for a minute, side by side, staring up at the darkened ceiling. This was…nice. Lying in the half lit room, next to someone who wasn't asking anything of him, feeling at peace. He hadn't felt this way in a long time, in fact he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this relaxed.

Matt finally broke the silence. "You know, Jer, you can always talk to me. I know we haven't seen much of each other since, well, since Elena and I, um, broke up and since all this craziness started, but I'm here for you. Whatever you need. I've been told I'm a good listener." He placed a hand on Jeremy's stomach, left it there, it's weight strangely disconcerting.

"You know what? I don't really feel like talking right now. I'm enjoying the quiet. My life isn't really ever just quiet. So this is good." Silence descended again.

He was becoming increasingly conscious of Matt's hand on his abdomen. Then. Matt turned onto his side. He could sense the older boy's eyes on him, searching. He kept his own eyes shut, he wasn't sure what was happening. The atmosphere in the room had changed. He felt a nervous energy, a sense of expectation. Almost as if something was about to happen. Something good. At last. Something he wanted to have happen.

He felt a stab of loss when Matt removed his hand. But, then. He felt the warmth of Matt's hand descend again, stroking his hair, gently caressing. He began to drift away again, floating somewhere between consciousness and sleep.

And then. Matt kissed him.


	2. Jeremy Wakes Up

He woke up. Alone. Turning his head, he regarded the flattened pillow beside his. Pulled the rumpled object to his nose. It smelled like _him_.

Smiling pensively, he bit his lower lip. Fuck. What the hell? Had last night really happened? He rolled onto his back, pulling Matt's pillow over his face.

Laughing out loud, he shook his head side to side, smothering his outburst with the feathered covering. Holy shit. Matt Donovan had kissed him. Actually.

He felt himself becoming hard at the memory. His hand drifted down as he recalled how surprisingly soft Matt's lips had been on his. Tender, yet purposeful, the older boy's kiss had sought to convey comfort.

At first. He sighed and began to stroke himself, blushing at the same time as he relived his response to that initial kiss. He almost wished he could blame it on being high. But he hadn't been.

And he hadn't been shocked by the kiss. In fact, it had felt good, natural even. He had been so relaxed that, at first, he wondered if he was dreaming. Almost instinctively, he had returned Matt's kiss, opening his mouth, wanting more.

Matt had pulled back at that point and he'd opened his eyes to find the blonde boy gazing down at him, his expression inscrutable. Unable to stop himself, he reached up and pulled the older boy's face back down towards his.

Their second kiss left comfort behind, swamped in a wave of desire. Thinking about it in the light of day, he couldn't quite believe his actions of the night.

Kissing another male was an experience he'd never given much consideration to. But as their kiss deepened, as Matt's tongue darted into his mouth, he had heard himself groan, felt himself harden against the other boy's leg thrown over his. Christ.

Matt continued to kiss him, continued stroking along the arm that wasn't pinned against that hard torso. He, in turn, had kept his hand on the back of Matt's neck, guiding, tugging.

He couldn't have explained what was happening. He just knew that he felt safe, more like himself than he'd felt in months.

All thoughts of Anna and Vicki and Bonnie were gone. They didn't exist within the security of Matt's arms. He felt Matt turning them both. He now lay directly under the other boy, his other arm free to float up and around Matt, drawing him even closer.

Their erections rubbed against each other as Matt moved slowly, sensually along his recumbent frame. 'Shit', he remembered thinking, 'This is hot'.

He had never actually felt another guy's dick and now here he was wishing Matt would undress them both. And quickly. But that apparently wasn't going to happen.

Because Matt abruptly stopped moving. Lifted his head. "Shit" he muttered. "I'm sorry Jer. I didn't mean for this to happen. Honestly. I just wanted to…." His voice trailed off.

"Really? You're going to pull that line on me? If you didn't mean for this to happen, it wouldn't have. You wanted to kiss me. So you did. And I kissed you back. And so, here we are. Kissing. And now what? You're going to bail on me?" He remembered laughing quietly, his tone light, gently chiding.

Matt chortled, rolling off. "I thought maybe you might be getting a little freaked out. Or that you might be thinking about the fact that you have a girlfriend. Who is a witch, by the way. Who could put a curse on me for messing with her man."

They had both laughed. "Yeah, right. She can't decide whether being with me is embarrassing or cool. And she's busy saving Elena and the others these days. All the drama of Mystic Falls. It's too much at times."

They had both fallen silent. He recalled wondering if Matt regretted kissing him, if the older boy was going to get up and leave. Tentatively he had placed a fist upon Matt's abdomen. It rose and fell with the other boy's steady breathing. After a few minutes Matt had spoken again.

"Yeah, I get it. It seems like you and I are becoming a rare commodity around here these days. Human. It's a nice change to be with someone who actually has a heart beat and a temperature of 98.6 degrees." He paused. "Although you were running a little hotter than that a few minutes ago."

"Very funny." He flattened out his fist, placed his hand palm down on Matt's stomach. And there they had lain. Until he fell asleep, the first sleep in a long time that wasn't haunted by vampire ghosts or visions of his parents.


	3. Jeremy Goes to Work

'Oh for God's sake' he admonished himself. 'Get a grip.' But he couldn't. He was actually nervous about coming face to face with Matt. Ridiculous, really, but his hand was shaking as he opened the door to the Grill. 'Seriously' he thought angrily, 'Why should I be feeling awkward about seeing him again? It was _Matt_ who kissed me first. It was _Matt_ who snuck out of the house like a coward.' So why was _he_ so freaked out about encountering the other teen?

Coming around the corner in the back room, his heart dropped and his dick jumped as he spotted Matt, shirtless, changing for work. Shit. Why had he never noticed how hot the guy was before now? How could one night possibly turn his world upside down? And what the hell was he supposed to say, how was he supposed to act?

He decided to play it cool. Apologized for freaking Matt out by talking about Vicki. Only to have Matt announce: 'Last night was kind of a blur'. Well, that stung. So, that's how this was going to play out. The two of them were going to pretend that those few intense minutes hadn't happened or that they both had been too wrecked to 'remember' any indiscretion.

Fine. If that's the way Matt wanted it. If he wouldn't acknowledge what had transpired between them, then he would re-focus on the female vampire ghosts who continued to stalk him. He decided to pursued the Vicki thing, asking again for Matt's help, told him he was physically seeing Vicki and that he needed Matt. Again. Matt just blew him off, replied flatly, "You're dating a witch. Tell her." God, the guy was cold. Well, screw him.

He persevered until Matt reluctantly agreed to help him try to reach out to Vicki. He was grateful. Being haunted by two former girlfriends was hard to take. And Matt had said he wanted to be there for him. 'Prove it then' he thought to himself somewhat bitterly and left to start his shift.

Time dragged on. The Grill was busy but he couldn't help glancing at Matt whenever the blonde male wasn't looking. At some point during the next five torturous hours, he decided that Matt had beautiful eyes. Great hair. And a nice ass. Concluded that he was going crazy. After all, Matt was straight. Christ, _he_ was straight. He was dating Bonnie for crying out loud. These facts did nothing to calm his mind. Or his treacherous dick.

* * *

He knocked on the door, his heart pounding. He had put on and discarded several T-shirts. Tried to tell himself that it wouldn't matter if he showed up naked. Matt had made it pretty clear that he wasn't about to revisit the previous evening or talk about what had gone down between them.

That didn't stop him from hoping, from feeling like he was going to be sick to his stomach as Matt opened the door and stepped aside to let him enter. The older teen was taciturn, not offering any opening of conversation. Christ, this was going to be a long evening.

Matt led him silently to the basement and proceeded to show him where Vicki's things had been stored, her short, sad life reduced to a few musty smelling cardboard boxes. Weirdly enough, her mom had chosen to save a bong that he instantly recognized, he and Vicki had gotten high more than a few times with that pipe. It was strange looking at her stuff. He had thought he loved Vicki. But now he was beginning to realize that what he had called 'love' had actually been something else.

He had glimpsed in Vicki an ability to turn rejection and loss into a veneer of toughness, an 'I don't give a shit' attitude, her pain drowned in alcohol and drugs. He had tried to do the same, the two of them wounded, hurt-turning to each other for comfort that was often less than satisfactory. What he had mistaken for love was probably more of a misguided attempt to 'fix' the damaged girl. Because maybe in fixing her, he could somehow manage to fix himself. That by drinking and being high, he could rid himself of the pain, the sorrow he felt every time he pictured his parent's faces.

Still, he honestly missed Vicki and felt robbed that Damon had erased all his memories of her death. He continued to look through Vicki's things, each item bringing her into sharper focus.

He glanced up to find Matt looking at him with a strange expression on his face. Like he was about to cry but didn't want to. And something else was there, in his eyes. A look. Like he wanted to say something but couldn't. The stricken brother tore his eyes away to look back down at the picture frame holding a fading photograph of Vicki and a much younger image of himself.

"I can't do this. You have to go." The words were full of anguish.

"Matt. Please". He pleaded, reaching out a hand. He wanted to let Matt know he was there for him.

"No. I can't do this man." Matt looked forlorn, lost. Like he, himself, must have looked at Elena's party. Matt had sought to comfort him then. But it was clear that Matt wasn't about to let him, Jeremy, return the gesture.

Was it Vicki that Matt wanted to be alone to mourn? Or was he speaking about the two of _them_, was Matt saying that he couldn't allow himself to be with him?

Sighing, he chose to honour Matt's request and turned to leave. He climbed the stairs slowly. Matt didn't follow.

* * *

He lay on his back staring at the darkened ceiling. Bonnie had called but he hadn't felt like going over. He was beginning to feel superfluous in her presence; there was nothing he could offer to right the wrongs of Mystic Falls. He had no super powers; he wasn't a werewolf or a vampire. His only skill was that he could see and speak to dead vampires. And that didn't seem particularly helpful.

The knock on the front door dragged him out of his melancholy thoughts.

"I'm sorry about earlier." The sheepish, sideways grin on Matt's face pierced his heart. Matt held up a case of beer, apparently a peace offering of sorts. It was good to talk to Matt, to speak aloud the words that, until now, had played themselves over and over in his head. His memories of Vicki, his sightings of her in the past while. Matt seemed in better spirits, calmer, able to talk about his sister with affection.

And then, suddenly, there she was. One minute they were talking about her death and before he could form his next sentence, she was standing directly in front of him. WTF?

Her words startled him even further. "I can come back. Help me come back." And then she was gone again, followed by the loud, shattering sound of something breaking. Christ.

Before either of them could recover from the startling noise, there was Anna. "Don't trust Vicki." For fuck's sake, this was getting to be a bit much. He turned to look at Matt, who was looking (understandably so) extremely freaked out.

This time when he reached out to Matt, the older boy grabbed his hand, almost frantically. "Jeremy? Jeremy, what the fuck is going on? Is Vicki still here? What happened?" Before he even thought it through, he had pulled Matt into his arms, holding onto him. Tightly.

Matt didn't pull back. He stood encircled in the impromptu embrace, completely still. Moments passed. Then minutes. The house was silent. He could feel Matt's heart hammering against his chest. The shorter male had turned his head to avoid smothering, his cheek resting on the proffered shoulder. Neither of them seemed willing to be the first to break apart.

He tried to rein in his racing thoughts. Vicki. Anna. What to believe, who to believe? Why shouldn't he trust Vicki? He had loved Vicki. Well, he once _believed_ he had loved Vicki. Another lost soul with the ability to transform rejection and loss into a cycle of self-loathing and self-destructive behaviour. She had been a kindred spirit. When Matt said that he, Jeremy, 'got' Vicki, it was because looking at her was like looking at his own reflection.

Which didn't mean he no longer wanted to help her. Could she truly come back? And would that be something Matt would want? Christ. What was he thinking? Of course Matt would want his sister back if that was at all possible. Maybe this was something he could help Matt with. Something he could offer the older boy.

Matt shifted in his arms. "Jer" he whispered "What's happening here? What's going on?"

"I _tried_ to tell you. Vicki is here. Somewhere, somehow. And now she says she can come back. But Anna…" his words of explanation were cut off as Matt finally stepped back, out of his embrace.

"Jeremy. I'm not asking about my sister right now. I'm referring to what's going on between you and me. Something is happening and I think we should talk about it."


	4. Jeremy Stares At Matt

Just the two of them. No Anna or Vicki messing with his head. Elena was off chasing her lost vampire lover. No Alaric brooding in the living room. Just Matt and himself. Standing in the darkened house. Facing each other.

He almost laughed aloud, involuntarily. Matt was regarding him anxiously. Waiting for his reaction. The cool thing was, it was obvious that what he was about to say actually mattered. Had his suppressed laugh been allowed to escape, it would have been one of sheer giddiness. Who knew that he could matter for no other reason than because he'd been kissed?

He'd never seen Matt chew his lower lip before. It was, well, it was cute. His mind raced. He wasn't sure what to say. Mainly because he didn't know the answer to Matt's loaded question.

What _was_ going on between them? Not much. An initial spontaneous kiss on Matt's part. Resulting in his returning said kiss. Followed by a bit of groping. All of which had ended in awkwardness and avoidance the next day.

And now? He couldn't tear his gaze away from the piercing eyes holding his captive. He didn't want to look away. He suddenly realized that he had never truly looked at anyone, not really. He wasn't sure what he was hoping to see. Maybe just more. More of Matt.

"Jer?" Matt's voice finally broke the silence, causing him to startle. "Jeremy? Could you please say something, man? Anything? Even if it's just to say fuck off, nothing's happening between us. Or, maybe, screw you, Donovan. You're the one who kissed me. And then ran away. Like the coward you are. Or…" Matt paused.

Matt's eyes caught and held his yet again. He visibly gulped. Plowed on. "Or, Jer, maybe you could say that it's OK. That you forgive me for acting like a loser. For freaking out because I kissed a dude. And not just any dude. A really cute, sweet, funny, pothead of a dude."

He shook his head, this time laughing aloud. "Yeah. Nice try. I hate to remind you but you did say you wanted to be 'there for me'." He used air quotes to emphasis his point. "And then, only hours later, you sneak out of my room in the middle of the night. So can you blame me for not knowing what's going on between us? Because from here, it looks like you're screwing with my head."

Matt advanced slowly, cautiously, stopping only when their chests were nearly touching. "Jer, I'm not trying to screw with your head. Honestly. I didn't plan on kissing you, it just kinda happened. And you kissed me back. Which was great. Then, when we were falling asleep, I had this vision of me and Elena together and you with Vicki. Dude, we've had sex with each other's sister. It totally freaked me out."

He couldn't help himself, he laughed again. "Seriously Matt? We're living in a town full of vampires, werewolves, and witches. And we _hooked_ up, two guys who've never been with other guys. So really, you having sex with Elena and then trying it on with me is the _least _freaky thing I've dealt with in a long time. But, whatever, man, it sounds like an excuse to me. I would buy the 'I'm not really into dudes' thing more than you claiming that making out with me reminds you of having sex with my sister. That's just lame."

It was Matt's turn to laugh. He rolled his eyes. "Believe me. I wasn't thinking of Elena when you were doing that thing with your…"

"Shut up, Donovan." He cut him off, placed a hand over Matt's mouth. "Remember, you started this."

Matt regarded him intently, his eyes searching. The blonde boy moved closer, stepping between his legs. Their mouths were now mere inches apart.

"Yeah," Matt whispered in a voice husky with emotion, "I started it. And now, you're all I think about. I know I should be focused on Vicki and the fact that you can see her, talk to her. But I just keep thinking about you, Jer, and how much I liked kissing you, how I didn't want to stop and how I wish I could kiss you again."

"What's stopping you, then?" he replied softly, breathing into Matt's open mouth.

The other boy groaned involuntarily and closed the remaining distance between their lips, a caressing touch at first, a flick of the tongue. It was his turn to moan.

Reaching up, his hands carded through Matt's thick, short hair, stroked his neck, his jaw line. He felt Matt's arms encircle him and he threw his head back, relaxing into the warmth and security offered by the other teen.

He felt good, really good. None of the mindfuck his sexual encounters with Vicki had usually entailed, none of the weirdness of having sex with a vampire. Just plain, ordinary, senses-overwhelming, human, teenage physical desire.

Well, maybe it was a bit more than lust. But he could work with what was happening now. His body was reacting to Matt's touch and his mind was shutting down. He'd worry about the emotional fallout tomorrow.


	5. Jeremy Answers The Phone

'Wake up, look me in the eyes again. I need to feel your hand upon my face.' The lyrics floated around inside his head. Turning onto his side, he quietly regarded the sleeping male beside him.

In the early morning light Matt looked young, vulnerable. And sexy, really, really sexy. He blushed as Matt's eyes opened slowly to find him looking.

"Hey" Matt muttered huskily, "Awake so early? I didn't have you pegged as a morning person." Matt reached up and stroked his face with the back of his hand.

"You are so, so…." Matt halted.

"I'm so what?" He laughed softly, leaning into the hand still cupping his face.

"So" Matt paused, smiled that crooked smile of his, "human" he finished simply. "You're just so human."

He sighed, bent down and kissed Matt lightly on the lips. "Yeah, I'm human. And so are you. Weird isn't it? That you and I would end up…" He stopped, unsure of how to label what was happening between the two of them.

"In bed together?" Matt finished, laughing. "Yeah, it is kinda unexpected. Can you imagine Elena's face if she were to walk into your bedroom right now? She'd totally lose her mind. Or if Vicki were to suddenly appear? What would she say about this?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Really? Why do you think Elena would lose it? I mean, she'd be surprised, but 'lose it'? I don't know about that."

Matt abruptly pulled him down and began kissing him ferociously. He felt himself responding, Matt was_ definitely_ a great kisser. He rolled on top of Matt, he liked to feel in control.

Both of them were naked, clothes from last night still strewn around the room. He could feel Matt's erection against his and the sensation drove him wild. He forgot that Elena could walk in on them at any moment. If she was back from wherever it was she went these days.

The only thing that mattered at this moment was Matt. Until his cellphone vibrated on the nightstand. He stopped kissing Matt long enough to glance at the call display. Bonnie. Seriously? It wasn't even 8 am. This had better be good.

Dragging himself reluctantly to the side of the bed, he sat up and answered the persistent vibration. "Hey."

"Hey yourself. I just thought you'd want to know I'm back in town." Bonnie's tone was less than excited.

"When did you get in?" He found his voice matching hers, dull and void of emotion.

"Late last night. I didn't want to wake you." Involuntarily, he glanced over at Matt, who was watching him warily. "Do you want to meet for breakfast?" she continued with an obvious attempt at sounding enthusiastic.

His heart sank. There was nothing he wanted less, he couldn't even muster up enough energy to sound contrite. "I'm kinda busy this morning. How about lunch? We can meet at the Grill." She agreed and they both hung up, words unspoken but hanging there, heavy in their absence.

He sat there silently, eyes closed, toes curled against the cool floor. The reality of what had happened between Matt and himself started to sink in. Christ. Bonnie. Anna. Vicki. He didn't want to think about them. He wanted to lie down beside Matt, to hold him, to hold onto him.

"Jer?" It was a question, asked tentatively, softly. One syllable. His name. Just his name. Yet so much was being asked of him in that simple utterance.

'Words can be like knives, they can cut you open.' The song that had crept into his thoughts earlier returned, unbidden.

'It was true, he thought to himself, 'words can be used as weapons'. Or they can heal, a salve for old wounds. Words can make you whole again. Either way, words are not just sounds; they can change your world forever.

And yet he couldn't find the right words. No matter how he tried. He couldn't find a way to tell the boy lying beside him how complete he felt at this moment. How their being together made the world feel manageable, safer. How he'd been waiting for Matt, without even knowing it.

He pushed himself into standing and walked to the bathroom without looking back.


End file.
